A Letter to My Grandma.
Hi Grandma. I hope this letter finds you well and in wonderful spirits. I haven’t been able to see you in a very long time and a lot has happened. Oh my goodness, where to even begin. Well, it was extremely rough for me after you left. I wanted nothing but to go with you. But I couldn’t. I had the children. They were small at that time, and they needed me here. It was a very difficult time for me, and I was a mess for a long time afterwards. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever recovered fully from having to continue on without you. I have so many regrets on how I handled the time that God gave me to be with you. Looking back, I have no idea how I could have been so completely stupid. If only, if only I could have the chance to do it all over again. I would be so different. So much would be so different. I can’t even begin to imagine what I could have been thinking. I know I was very lost. And confused. And the whole time, there you were, my Angel of light. And I couldn’t see that. God had put you in my life as my own personal lighthouse. A structure of strength, courage, hope and guidance. I was lost in a very troubled sea of life, and I couldn’t, didn’t ever make myself find my way to you. I can clearly see now, how that would have fixed everything, it would have changed everything. Why was my brain so blocked at the time, that I couldn’t see this. I have lived with this pain and struggle since the day you left. It has been like a huge gaping wound right down to the depths of my soul. And it kills me to this day. The only way I have been able to come up with to try to make it better, is to pull myself together and develop into the best version of me that I can become. I am currently working very hard to do that. I try every moment of every day to be a woman like you were. I try to be kind, compassionate and giving. This is the only way you knew how to be. I try to live life to the fullest by working hard to achieve my dreams, and being the amazing mother and grandmother that you were. A big portion of my life has been just a huge mess, so I know there are times that I have failed miserably at this. But I have managed to pull myself up from the floor, and be a completely different person now. I think that if you could sit in your rocking chair, here in my living room, and watch a day in mine and my children’s lives, you might even be quite proud of me now. This is the only way that I know of, to heal some of the regret that I have. It is what helps me carry on. The children have grown into beautiful people. They have your spirit in them. I see it every day. They have the kindness, compassion, loving and forgiving nature that you had. They make me want to be a better person. Oh Grandma, you would just absolutely love and adore them. They think of you and speak of you all the time. You are forever alive in our minds and hearts. It makes my heart warm and happy to know that you can see them every day from your special place. It is no small mission that I am on, to walk in the footsteps of you and my mother. But I am determined to spend whatever time I have left here, doing all the best that I can do with my life. One day, when I see you face to face, in heaven, I will be able to stand in front of you, know that I did all I could do, to be just like you. I know there are a lot of good grandmothers out there, even great ones, but no one is as blessed and lucky as I have been, to have had YOU. I love you and I miss you so much. I can never have back all the time that I missed spending with you, but you are forever a part of me, and I know I will see you again. In the meantime, I treasure your visits in my dreams. Con todo me carino ~~ Aimee