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Day 20 Blog Challenge — My Journey With My Mom’s Illness

We have moved on to the nursing home.  We have been here a few days.  It was the thing I dreaded worse than death, even.  But here we are.  The whole experience has been very horrible.  That doesn’t even begin to describe it.  But, when I’m able to separate that part of it, and be open to all of this in other ways, it has been very interesting.  The transfer to the nursing home went smooth, all things considered.  It seems to me like there are so many angles and factors.  I’m not even sure what I’m here to write about today.  But there are some thoughts and feelings going round and round in my head and heart.  I thought maybe writing would be good.  At least it gets it out of my head a little bit.  There doesn’t seem to be anyone to talk to.  And there is, I have been blessed with lots of support and encouragement from both family and friends.  I’m thinking it’s just me.  It’s just my personality and my way of thinking.  Maybe I need for someone to think and feel the same way I do on this, and that’s not what’s happening.  I don’t know if it’s upsetting me or confusing me, but it has me feeling some kind of way.  I know it’s for different reasons.  I guess mainly because everyone deals with these kinds of things in different ways.  Even knowing this, it makes conversations with people difficult for me sometimes.  Because I don’t know what I should and shouldn’t be saying.  Or even thinking and feeling for that matter.  I’m not sure what would be the right way for me to be handling all of this.  I’m just handling it the best I can in my own little Aimee Rae kinda way.  I’ve started to feel like I don’t want to talk to people so much about it.  I should just find some “right” responses to have in conversations with everyone, regardless of what I’m really thinking or feeling.  And I’ve come to acceptance with that, I just don’t know what those responses should be.  Today I have figured out that I have a lot of time here to read.  So I’ll be checking out some books on this topic.  I know the books will give me good insight as to how other people have handled and coped with similar situations.  Perhaps in there I will find those right words to say when I’m having conversations with people.  My poor lil Mom is struggling so much right now.  It just rips my heart and soul out.  Not knowing what the future holds for us is difficult.  I do the best I can to live one day at a time and just get through each situation, even trying to make the best as much as possible.  We are doing okay this week.  The words “fine” and “okay” have taken on a whole new meaning for me lately.  But they seem to work well for everyone.  When I’m able to look on the bright side, which is a lot, because that’s how I try to live all day every day, staying positive, in faith, I’m able to mean it when I say it.  We are okay.  And fine.  Things could be worse.  Her condition is somewhat steady right now.  I don’t know if stable means the same thing.  But steady seems right.  It was a beautiful sunny day today.  I was able to get her outside into the sunlight for just a few short minutes and there was family here with us for our outing.  It went fine for our first attempt.  It’s difficult trying to make some sense out of everything.  I know that some acceptance would help with the parts that I can’t make sense out of.  And I’m working hard to get there. I am headed back to my moms room now, to enjoy the rest of the evening with her.  That part makes complete and total sense.  No doubt.  No question.  I truly treasure every moment that I can be with her with all my heart and soul.

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Well these are my thoughts, what do YOU think??

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